I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Randomize
