I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
