I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
