Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
