i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Randomize
