Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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