Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
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