you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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