The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
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