Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
