i wish peter jackson would direct porn
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
