My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize