so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
