Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
