I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize