just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
