11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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