I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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