now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
