I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I think a kid would responsible me up
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Randomize
