I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
