My liver just broke up with me...
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize