in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
