if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
