So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize