Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
