I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
