Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
