rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
