It's like God shit irony all over that family
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
