Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
we made out on top of his cat.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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