I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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