2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize