Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
