That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
