Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
