Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize