first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
