I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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