mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
