Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
