I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
