I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
