I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
