when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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