apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
