Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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