Plan B is the new Plan A
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
