Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
