dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
