i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize