just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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