Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
