he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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