im drinking this country out of the recession.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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