A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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