OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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