Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
