she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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