Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Randomize
